News You Can’t Use

February 27, 2008

German cleans up glacier graffiti

WELLINGTON, New Zealand—A German tourist caught spraying graffiti on the rocks and ice face of New Zealand’s Franz Josef Glacier was forced to clean up his handiwork, local media reported Tuesday.

“We were all pretty shocked,” one policeman remarked. “Obviously this guy had to be a foreigner. But with his thoughtless, boorish behavior and inflated sense of self esteem, most of us figured he had to be American.”

Ohio school suspends boy over Mohawk

PARMA, Ohio – A kindergarten student with a freshly spiked Mohawk has been suspended from school. Michelle Barile, the mother of 6-year-old Bryan Ruda, said nothing in the Parma Community School handbook prohibits the haircut, characterized by closely shaved sides with a strip of prominent hair on top. The school said the hair was a distraction for other students.

Said the school principal, “It wasn’t so much the haircut as the fact that he was insufficiently self-conscious about it. This was an opportunity to teach the kids about the evils of individualism and nonconformity. Plus we left little Bryan with an emotional scar that will serve him well in later life if he ever decides to become a bitter, frustrated educator.”

The principal added that the incident would not affect plans for the school’s annual “Judging People Based On Their Appearance” Days celebration.

Ore. mayor poses in underwear, loses job

ARLINGTON, Ore. – The mayor of an Oregon town who once stripped to her underwear and posed on a fire truck has been stripped of her office. Opponents said it wasn’t fitting for the mayor to be so depicted. They said they also disagreed with her on issues about water and the local golf course.

“We were all set to play hardball with her over this golf course thing by threatening to release embarrassing photos of her,” one councilperson complained. “When we found out she’d done that herself already before she ever became mayor, we knew something had to be done. We can’t have a mayor who won’t keep the skeletons in her closet where they belong. Open and above board is no way to run a city government.”